Black Mass - Review

Essentially Whitey Bulger's greatest hits... at least Johnny Depp is awesome in it!

Tusk - Review

Ugh... I think at this point, we can all stop holding our breaths that Kevin Smith will ever make a comeback. Aside from his occasionally amusing podcast, it seems like everything he touches these days turns to crap. I'm not coming at this like I'm some Kevin Smith hater... on the contrary, I used to be a HUGE fan of the guy. Back in my college days, I was actually one of his most vocal supporters, much to the chagrin and/or confusion of many of my friends or peers. Okay his brand of humor may have been somewhat esoteric, but his fun-loving personality, goofball type of humor, witty dialogue, and even occasional insight made him one of the more prolific geek icons of the 90s. By the turn of the century, however, most of his work saw a steady decline, and unfortunately it continues to go downhill. Even worse is his once goofy but likable demeanor has now become insufferable after a number of incidents and remarks of Smith making an ass out of himself. His newest film, Tusk, sees Smith venturing into self-aware B-Movie territory with an odd human centipede style grindhouse horror/comedy. Just what abomination has he brought to audiences now? Well, let me tell you...

Tusk stars Justin Long as Wallace Bryton, a podcaster who along with his friend Teddy (Haley Joel Osment) broadcasts a show mocking figures from viral videos and other eccentric individuals. Wallace travels to Manitoba to interview viral star "The Kill Bill Kid." However, upon arriving in the Great White North, he discovers his interviewee had committed suicide. Desperate for a guest for his show, Wallace travels into the middle of nowhere to interview the eccentric Howard Howe (Michael Parks), a retired seaman with many stories to tell... namely those involving him and a walrus that saved him while lost at sea. Upon arriving at Howard's house, he finds himself drugged and the victim of Howe's bizarre experiment to turn him into a walrus like being. With Wallace trapped in the clutches of a psychopath, his girlfriend Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) and Teddy recruit an eccentric Quebecois detective named Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp... though credited as Guy Lapointe) to find Wallace before it's too late.

I'll be honest... I had absolutely no idea what to expect from this film. For the most part, that's good. I mean sure, Smith's last few films didn't exact boost expectations, but with a premise this weird and bizarre, it could have gone either way. For those who don't know, the idea for Tusk actually via a random joke conversation Smith had on his podcast, but the joke apparently gained enough traction from fans to actually lead to the actual production. This, in itself, doesn't bother me. You can make a good movie out of anything... even crazy ones that started off as a joke. The problem is that Tusk is a film that struggles to balance tones. At times a Cronenberg style body horror film and at other times a goofy Askewniverse-style comedy. It starts off with some promise, with a few light chuckles followed by such a shocking shift in tone when it gets to the gory bits. One highlight was a particularly disturbing tracking shot of Michael Parks operating on Justin Long turning him into the man-walrus, followed by the shocking screams of Long in distress over his recent transformation. Also I will say that the makeup effects are actually pretty impressive. Unfortunately, I'm not sure exactly what tone Smith was trying to get across here. It's too slickly made and (generally) sincerely-acted to be seen as a self-aware spoof but way too trashy to be take seriously. For instance, most of the actors (Long, Osment, and Rodriguez namely) play their roles pretty straight while actors like Michael Parks and especially Johnny Depp play up their eccentricities so much they almost feel like a self-parody. It's confused, odd, and completely misguided. Give a concept like this to a director like Robert Rodriguez or Sam Raimi and I can all but guarantee it would have been much better (they know this kind of film).

The acting itself is generally not that shabby, but that in itself is kind of the problem. Justin Long is surprisingly devoted to this odd character. The way he portrays the kind of douchebag American who ends up getting his comeuppance generally works. Plus he has a few gut-wrenching scenes and considering he spends a good portion of the film in the walrus suit, I have to give him some credit. Genesis Rodriguez is one of the standouts, showcasing a generally emotional performance as the confused and torn but still loving girlfriend of Wallace. Haley Joel "I was in The Sixth Sense... what the hell happened to me" Osment doesn't get much to do here, so no real comment. Michael Parks has his moments as the psychopathic Howard Howe, but he descends into almost a form of self parody by the end, that he becomes a little too much. The weakest player is amazingly Johnny Depp (speaking of has-beens) as Guy Lapointe. It's not helped by the fact that his character is a cheap and unfunny caricature, but I have absolutely no idea what Depp was trying to do here. Its like he woke up that morning and stand, "You know what? I really don't give a shit today!" You could have replaced all of his dialogue with random gibberish and it would have been just as sensible.

As for Smith's script... well, this is easily the worst thing he's even written. I really don't think this guy has a clue what goes into a quality horror film. Granted it's not as pretentious as the severely misguided Red State (man, did that one suck), but there's so little that's redeemable here. For starters, his portrayal of Canadians basically resorts them to a number of stereotypes and stale caricatures, complete with exaggerated accents (yes... he actually has them say "aboot") and over-the-top nice guy personas. Even Smith's dialogue, usually his greatest strength, is just TERRIBLE! The scene where Johnny Depp is introduced is an overlong talky scene, with between the awful dialogue and Depp's confused performance went on and on and on until I kept looking at my watch thinking "When the hell is this going to end?" The rest is a series of shallow jokes, uninteresting characters, and tediously underwhelming suspense beats. This is easily the worst screenplay Kevin Smith has ever written.

So yeah... Tusk... it's a horrible horrible movie. Neither a enjoyable self-aware send up of grindhouse B-Movies or a legitimately suspenseful horror film. If you're thinking of seeing Tusk, skip it and watch one of the Evil Dead films... or Re-Animator... or An American Werewolf in London... or Return of the Living Dead... or Dead Alive... or Shaun of the Dead... or anything by David Cronenberg... just not Tusk. Right now, Tusk is a strong contender for the worst film of 2014.

My Score: 1.5 out of 5!

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013

Alright! This is long overdue, but here are (in video form) my choices for the Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013!



Stay tuned for my choices for the Best of 2013 and more video reviews.

The Lone Ranger - Review

Every once in a while, a film comes along with such inconceivably stupid, offensive, and horrendous ideas, that you ask yourself... is this a joke? The Lone Ranger is one of those films. I'm not saying that Disney's ill-advised reboot of the classic franchise was inherently a bad thing. Actually, I can think of many ways you could re-imagine The Lone Ranger for modern audiences. A movie about a former Texas Ranger who allies with a local Native, both of whom fight crime and evil while following a strict code of non-killing and using violence ONLY as an absolute last option could work. Plus, in an era of gritty and dark anti-heroes, borderline villains, and psychopaths, a movie with some uplifting qualities could have actually brightened up such a dour and depressing movie season. Now, after following the film's production plus seeing the trailers, I knew this movie wasn't going to be any good, but I'm genuinely shocked by just how terrible it turned out. How bad you ask? Let me tell you...

The starts off with John Reid (Armie Hammer), an idealistic lawyer who moves to Colby, Texas. After reuniting with his brother Dan, a Texas Ranger, John is recruited to join his brother and his band of Rangers to help take down the vicious criminal, Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner). Despite John's strict non-violence and non-killing policies, he nonetheless joins the band because of his equally strong dedication to justice. After an ambush leaves all the Texas Rangers dead, with John on the brink of death, he is saved by an eccentric Native named Tonto (Johnny Depp), who claims that Reid is a spirit walker who cannot be killed in battle. Because his enemies believe him to be dead, Reid takes on the alias of "The Lone Ranger" and starts wearing a mask to conceal his identity. Reid and Tonto then agree to join forces to take down Butch and his band of outlaws. What follows is adventure of betrayal, deception, and thrills as both Reid and Tonto make a number of startling discoveries.

Okay, let's address the most glaring issue present in this turd of a film... Johnny Depp as Tonto. I honestly don't even know where to start with this. I mean... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING JOHNNY!!! Better yet, what the Hell was Disney thinking? Surely, there must have been some point during the production of this film that someone must have said something along the lines of, "Geez, this might be a little... or rather, REALLY offensive." Simply the fact that a white actor is playing a Native character in the year 2013 is egregious enough (I know Johnny Depp claims to be something like 1/16 Native, but I'm sorry that's not enough), but it's made all the more shocking by just how this character has been re-imagined. Tonto here is portrayed an eccentric outcast who wears a dead crow on his head and claims to have some sort of mystical connection to spirits (it's later revealed that he might just be crazy... never was explained very well). Here's the thing about Tonto, he was never a very PC character to begin with. When actor Jay Silverheels played the character in the 1950s, he drew some criticism for being something of an insensitive stereotype. Tonto's stilted speech patterns (which by the way is still present in Depp's version) plus his clear role being second fiddle to the Ranger and less of an equal partner would definitely raise a few eyebrows today. That said, the fact that they had Jay Silverheels, a legitimate First Nations actor, playing such a prominent role in an era in which minorities rarely received such opportunities, was a step in the right direction. Johnny Depp's portrayal doesn't move the character forward, but rather takes a few steps back. Over the course of Depp's career, he has made a living taking chances with risky, innovative, and daring characters, most of which have payed off. Whatever Depp was trying to do here has clearly backfired, and is likely to be a stain on his otherwise mostly solid filmography. I can only hope the backlash surrounding this unfortunate casting decision will lead Hollywood producers to stop whitewashing minority characters.

I really wish I could say that the Tonto issue was the film's only problem... unfortunately that isn't the case. Gore Verbinski is a good director, let's get that out of the way. Yeah, his Pirates sequels didn't really live up to the original, but Verbinski has enough stylish flair and eye for action to make films like the first Pirates of the Caribbean, Rango, or The Ring average out to be pretty good. His attempts to give The Lone Ranger that same dynamic look and energy as his previous hits was commendable, but sadly his efforts were in vain. The horrendous script did Verbinski (and everyone else for that matter) absolutely no favors. For starters, it pretty much spits on the legacy of The Lone Ranger, by trying to distance itself as much as it can from the previous shows. While I'm not necessarily against the way it re-imagined the property in such dark fashion (though I'm not on board with it either), it pretty much abandons the themes and ideas that defined the character in the first place. The Ranger here is less of a moral crusader for good, and rather re-imagined as a clumsy goof who gets by on dumb luck more than anything. Yeah, he still refuses to kill, but through a number of badly set up slapstick gags, he ends up doing just that anyways. The film actually centers more around Tonto than the Ranger as well. In theory that could have been an interesting idea, but because of Tonto's aforementioned character flaws, that didn't work either. The rest just doesn't work... the villains bare a striking resemblance to Barbossa's crew from the Pirates movies, the film never finds a consistent tone, and it's full of plot holes and inconsistencies that continue to add up. In short... kind of a disaster.

Acting wise... actually I don't have much to say on that front. When you're working with a script this bad, it's almost impossible to expect the actors (whether good or bad) to give a decent performance. Armie Hammer is probably the cast's most unfortunate victim as The Lone Ranger. While he's already got a few solid roles under his belt, the guy hasn't quite gotten out of his "up-and-coming" status, and missteps like this might really hurt his career. There were times I felt like he was trying, but more often than not, he looked incredibly embarrassed and uneasy in the role. Both he and Depp barely had any kind of chemistry as well, something that could have really helped elevate the film. William Fichtner was trying, I could tell, but with such a sloppy character, his strong efforts just weren't enough. It's too bad, because that guy is actually a pretty good actor, but his choice in roles really need some work. Helena Bonham Carter gives an enjoyable performance as the one-legged brothel madam who assists Reid and Tonto, but her character is so underdeveloped and pushed aside that I kept forgetting she was in the damn thing. The rest... well, there's not much else to say. None of the actors are particularly terrible (Depp excluded) but none are good enough to help this film in any way.

This is the point where I'm supposed to say something along the lines of, "At least the action was good." To that I say... yeah, it's okay. Gore Verbinski is good enough of a director to at least provide the film with a handful of passable action sequences. There was nothing that particularly stood out, but I can't say it looked that bad either. The opening scene had a half decent fight/chase that started the film with something of a bang. Unfortunately, after that, most of the movie is just Reid and Tonto bickering with one another. By the time the finale rolled around, that was the first time the film actually picked up a bit. It finally embraced some of the fun factor of it's source material, ending in an admittedly exciting action sequence. Unfortunately, by that point, the damage was done and I had totally stop caring. Those are really the only major action scenes over the course of the film's 2.5 hour runtime (by the way, the film is WAY too damn long), and even if they were incredible, I'd still be hard-pressed to give this film a passable score. If you're looking for your blockbuster action fix for the summer... find something else.

So that's The Lone Ranger... so far the biggest dud of the summer. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this piece of crap ended up becoming the worst film of 2013. I know it's been out for a while, and odds are it's not playing in your theater anymore, but if the opportunity to see it does happen to present itself... just keep on skipping it.

My Score: 1.5 out of 5!