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Tusk - Review

Ugh... I think at this point, we can all stop holding our breaths that Kevin Smith will ever make a comeback. Aside from his occasionally amusing podcast, it seems like everything he touches these days turns to crap. I'm not coming at this like I'm some Kevin Smith hater... on the contrary, I used to be a HUGE fan of the guy. Back in my college days, I was actually one of his most vocal supporters, much to the chagrin and/or confusion of many of my friends or peers. Okay his brand of humor may have been somewhat esoteric, but his fun-loving personality, goofball type of humor, witty dialogue, and even occasional insight made him one of the more prolific geek icons of the 90s. By the turn of the century, however, most of his work saw a steady decline, and unfortunately it continues to go downhill. Even worse is his once goofy but likable demeanor has now become insufferable after a number of incidents and remarks of Smith making an ass out of himself. His newest film, Tusk, sees Smith venturing into self-aware B-Movie territory with an odd human centipede style grindhouse horror/comedy. Just what abomination has he brought to audiences now? Well, let me tell you...

Tusk stars Justin Long as Wallace Bryton, a podcaster who along with his friend Teddy (Haley Joel Osment) broadcasts a show mocking figures from viral videos and other eccentric individuals. Wallace travels to Manitoba to interview viral star "The Kill Bill Kid." However, upon arriving in the Great White North, he discovers his interviewee had committed suicide. Desperate for a guest for his show, Wallace travels into the middle of nowhere to interview the eccentric Howard Howe (Michael Parks), a retired seaman with many stories to tell... namely those involving him and a walrus that saved him while lost at sea. Upon arriving at Howard's house, he finds himself drugged and the victim of Howe's bizarre experiment to turn him into a walrus like being. With Wallace trapped in the clutches of a psychopath, his girlfriend Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) and Teddy recruit an eccentric Quebecois detective named Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp... though credited as Guy Lapointe) to find Wallace before it's too late.

I'll be honest... I had absolutely no idea what to expect from this film. For the most part, that's good. I mean sure, Smith's last few films didn't exact boost expectations, but with a premise this weird and bizarre, it could have gone either way. For those who don't know, the idea for Tusk actually via a random joke conversation Smith had on his podcast, but the joke apparently gained enough traction from fans to actually lead to the actual production. This, in itself, doesn't bother me. You can make a good movie out of anything... even crazy ones that started off as a joke. The problem is that Tusk is a film that struggles to balance tones. At times a Cronenberg style body horror film and at other times a goofy Askewniverse-style comedy. It starts off with some promise, with a few light chuckles followed by such a shocking shift in tone when it gets to the gory bits. One highlight was a particularly disturbing tracking shot of Michael Parks operating on Justin Long turning him into the man-walrus, followed by the shocking screams of Long in distress over his recent transformation. Also I will say that the makeup effects are actually pretty impressive. Unfortunately, I'm not sure exactly what tone Smith was trying to get across here. It's too slickly made and (generally) sincerely-acted to be seen as a self-aware spoof but way too trashy to be take seriously. For instance, most of the actors (Long, Osment, and Rodriguez namely) play their roles pretty straight while actors like Michael Parks and especially Johnny Depp play up their eccentricities so much they almost feel like a self-parody. It's confused, odd, and completely misguided. Give a concept like this to a director like Robert Rodriguez or Sam Raimi and I can all but guarantee it would have been much better (they know this kind of film).

The acting itself is generally not that shabby, but that in itself is kind of the problem. Justin Long is surprisingly devoted to this odd character. The way he portrays the kind of douchebag American who ends up getting his comeuppance generally works. Plus he has a few gut-wrenching scenes and considering he spends a good portion of the film in the walrus suit, I have to give him some credit. Genesis Rodriguez is one of the standouts, showcasing a generally emotional performance as the confused and torn but still loving girlfriend of Wallace. Haley Joel "I was in The Sixth Sense... what the hell happened to me" Osment doesn't get much to do here, so no real comment. Michael Parks has his moments as the psychopathic Howard Howe, but he descends into almost a form of self parody by the end, that he becomes a little too much. The weakest player is amazingly Johnny Depp (speaking of has-beens) as Guy Lapointe. It's not helped by the fact that his character is a cheap and unfunny caricature, but I have absolutely no idea what Depp was trying to do here. Its like he woke up that morning and stand, "You know what? I really don't give a shit today!" You could have replaced all of his dialogue with random gibberish and it would have been just as sensible.

As for Smith's script... well, this is easily the worst thing he's even written. I really don't think this guy has a clue what goes into a quality horror film. Granted it's not as pretentious as the severely misguided Red State (man, did that one suck), but there's so little that's redeemable here. For starters, his portrayal of Canadians basically resorts them to a number of stereotypes and stale caricatures, complete with exaggerated accents (yes... he actually has them say "aboot") and over-the-top nice guy personas. Even Smith's dialogue, usually his greatest strength, is just TERRIBLE! The scene where Johnny Depp is introduced is an overlong talky scene, with between the awful dialogue and Depp's confused performance went on and on and on until I kept looking at my watch thinking "When the hell is this going to end?" The rest is a series of shallow jokes, uninteresting characters, and tediously underwhelming suspense beats. This is easily the worst screenplay Kevin Smith has ever written.

So yeah... Tusk... it's a horrible horrible movie. Neither a enjoyable self-aware send up of grindhouse B-Movies or a legitimately suspenseful horror film. If you're thinking of seeing Tusk, skip it and watch one of the Evil Dead films... or Re-Animator... or An American Werewolf in London... or Return of the Living Dead... or Dead Alive... or Shaun of the Dead... or anything by David Cronenberg... just not Tusk. Right now, Tusk is a strong contender for the worst film of 2014.

My Score: 1.5 out of 5!