10 Upcoming Remakes That Will Probably Suck

Despite what people may tell you (or what's implied by my reviews), I don't think of myself as a negative person. While I'm sure there are more than a few critics that like to comb through every film they see on the lookout for flaws... that's not really me, or at least, that's not who I try to be. I didn't start this blog for the purpose of tearing apart bad movies, I started it because I have a genuine love for the art of filmmaking and I want to see the industry continue to move forward. Unfortunately, given the industry's tendencies to focus on brand-names, spin-offs, reboots, remakes, and re-whatevers, it's been getting harder to remain positive. Even though this summer has actually been a bit better on the originality front than previous years (at least we got Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, Elysium, and a few others), it seems like we're still getting bombarded with remake after remake. So... yeah, today I'm going to be more cynical than usual and gripe about 10 upcoming remakes that will almost definitely suck. Now... I could be wrong about these films, and I'm hoping I am, but I'm not holding my breath. So without further, here are ten films that will (probably) end up sucking.

Honorable Mention: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- I'm not including this one on the list because it's less of a remake and more of a reboot and because I haven't really cared much for TMNT since I was like 8 years old. That said, every time I hear news about this film's production, it's sounding more and more like it's going to be a massive train wreck. I mean, come on... Megan Fox as April O'Neil, making Shredder a white guy, and supposedly turning the Turtles into aliens... this film is just going to suck so bad.

10. Godzilla
- I put this one low on the list because despite my reservations, some of the early details about the film have actually looked somewhat promising. Unfortunately, I'm still very much on the fence for two reasons. First off, we already received an American remake of Japan's famous movie monster in 1998... and it was more horrendous than anyone could have imagined. Secondly, the film is being directed by Gareth Edwards, and his debut film, Monsters, was a huge letdown. Yes I know the film was low-budget and tried to tell a good story, but I'm sorry! Monsters was an incredibly overrated effort, that despite it's good intentions, suffered from unlikable leads, dull pacing, on-the-nose symbolism, and a huge letdown of an ending. Plus, the original Godzilla is one of my favorite sci-fi films of all time, and I know that I'm not alone on that... so let's hope for the best.


9. Poltergeist
- It's somewhat re-assuring that Sam Raimi is the one producing the film, but I'm still not sold on remaking Poltergeist. The original 1982 horror flick still holds up as an incredibly spooky haunted house film featuring strong performances, a tight story, and memorable scares. It's two sequels, however, didn't quite cut it. Besides, we've actually gotten a number of original haunted house movies the last few years, and a lot were quite good. So, because of that, remaking Poltergeist just seems like a step backwards. Also... isn't this series cursed? All the more reasons to let this series be.



8. Dirty Dancing
- The original Dirty Dancing may not be high art, but it's an enjoyable love story that's still remembered by a strong and vocal fanbase. I'll even admit, that it's one I personally enjoy. In the long run, I just can't think of any logical reason to update this one for reasons other than to draw people in for the title's name recognition. In that case, it might actually make a little profit at the box office, but I can't imagine the studio will see this one as anything more than a quick cash-grab. If you had the time of your life with the 1982 film... I wouldn't count on that happening with the remake.



7. A Star is Born
- Eeesh... how many times can you remake a movie??? The original was made in 1937, was followed by a remake in 1954 (which was actually superior), and was remade again in 1976. It was originally reported than this remake would star Tom Cruise and Beyoncé Knowles, but apparently they both withdrew. So, maybe plans for this remake will fall through, but who knows. Personally, I just think making a film four times is overkill. Just watch the original(s) instead, we don't need four versions of the same movie.




6. Point Break
- I'm not saying that the original Point Break isn't an enjoyable flick, but honestly, I'm just having a hard time figuring out why someone decided it deserved the remake treatment. I mean, when you get right down to it, Point Break is a fun but incredibly cheesy action movie best remembered primarily by a steadily declining fanbase. The 90s appeal is there, and it's incredibly well shot, but aside from it's corny fun factor, there's nothing about this that screams "remake-able." I don't deny it's enjoyabilty or it's cult following, but I just don't see how they can improve this one without dramatically changing around the story to a point where it only somewhat resembles the original... in which case, why bother remaking it at all? Let this one be and make something else.

5. Scarface
- Like A Star Is Born, Scarface is on this list simply because of the redundancy of remaking a film that's already been remade. Both the 1932 film and Brian De Palma's 1983 remake are considered classics of the gangster genre thanks to well-written stories, enjoyable actors, and shocking violence (well, the 1932 film was fairly shocking for it's time). Once again, this one will apparently update the time period to the modern day. That, in itself, doesn't bother me much, but I'm still not convinced that it could work again. I mean, lightning rarely strikes twice for these kinds of things... three times is pushing it.



4. American Psycho
- Ummmmm.... no. Apparently another film adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' satirical novel is in the works... with a modern setting and a grittier style. Yeah... this is not a good idea. For starters, the last film came out in 2000, which really isn't that long ago when you get right down to it. Also, by updating the setting from the 80s to the present makes me think they're going to totally botch the book's (and the previous film's) poignant themes and dark satire. Whether you see the 2000 film as a bloody horror/thriller, an incredibly bleak dark comedy, or an intelligent analysis of male vanity and greed... it's pretty damn awesome. I just don't see that happening with a remake.


3. Videodrome
- No! No! No! There is NO reason why anyone should make Videodrome. Okay... yes, the original is a bit dated, but in my opinion, any of it's 80s vibes that don't jive as well today are totally forgiven thanks to it's clever story, bleak tone, over-the-top gore, and incredible special effects. David Cronenberg is master of body horror, and I can't think of anyone that could recapture that same vibe. It's only made worse by the fact that the film's currently attached screenwriter was one of the writers for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen... yeah, this one is going to really suck! I imagine they'll update this one and replace killer videotapes and cable stations with downloads and computer viruses. Yeah, that's not nearly as fun. All I can say is, "Death to the Videodrome!"

2. Carrie
- Well, maybe this one won't be so bad. I mean, Chloe Grace Moretz is a good actress, some of the teenage characters actually look more teenagers this time, and most of the actors have done good work before, so mayb-... DAMMIT NO!!! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO REMAKE CARRIE!!! The original is so good! I don't care if it's 70's tone seems a bit out of place, the MESSAGE HOLDS UP!!! Also, the original was already followed with a belated sequel, a made-for-TV remake, and even a Broadway Musical... AND THEY ALL SUCKED!!! STOP BEATING THIS DEAD HORSE!!! Carrie was never something that was meant to be a series or franchise. It stands on it's own... LET IT BE!!! Like I said, some of the actors in this upcoming remake are pretty good, but the lackluster trailers are doing very little to boost my confidence. I'm hoping and praying this movie won't suck as much it's looking like it will... but I'm not holding out hope.

1. Robocop
- How do you remake one of the Sci-Fi genre's most thrilling, funny, smartest and flat-out best entries? Well... not by making it a watered down PG-13 retelling with Robocop in black Batman-like armor. I admit that details are still scarce, so maybe it's a little early to freak out, but so far everything that has happened with this film has made me nervous. They have said that the film will honor the same kind of themes and satire from the original... but I've heard that song and dance before, and it generally means shit. The film has already had a pretty rocky production, going through different actors and directors just barely after it got off the ground. Fingers crossed that this one won't suck... but boy this one I just can't see how it could work.

I hate to judge anything before I see it, or at something like a trailer or clip. Still, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Hopefully I'm wrong about these films... but don't count on it.

Pacific Rim - Review

Boy I really got spend more time working on this blog. This film came out what seems like forever ago, so this review is seriously overdue. Oh well. There's no two ways around this folks, Guillermo Del Toro is one hell of a filmmaker. While I'm not quite willing to call him a master director yet, I will say that there are few directors working today whose films are as consistently effective and entertaining. His obvious affinity for genre films and cult classics shines in his works, and even though he's only had one or two films that could be honestly considered near-masterpieces, nearly every one of his movies demonstrates the guy's vast array of talents. Whether we're talking a slow-brooding horror film, a subtle fantasy, or a big scale sci-fi/action epic like Pacific Rim, it's obvious that he has a broad range of skills and knowledge of film-lore. His newest film, Pacific Rim, isn't going to be considered a masterpiece by anyone, but it's nonetheless a well-made film that's so far arguably the best flat-out "pure fun" summer blockbuster of the season.

Sometime in the near future, a cross-dimensional portal at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean is opened, releasing a dozens of giant alien monsters known as Kaiju that wreck havoc all over the world. Humanity, facing the possibility of total destruction, develops giant humanoid war machines known as Jaegers to combat the Kaiju. The program succeeds at first, as the formidable Jaegers are able to easily take out the attacking Kaiju. Once the Kaiju are able to adapt to the Jaeger's fighting style and attack methods, the Jaeger's start dropping like flies. Once again faced with planetary destruction, humanity turns to an underground league of Kaiju fighters, primarily disgraced Jaeger pilot Raleigh Becket (Charlie Hunnam) and the untested rookie Mako Mori (Rinko Kikuchi)... both of whom are haunted by past events. With a seemingly unending number of Kaiju popping up all over the world, Mako and Raleigh must overcome their demons in order to save the world from a Kaiju takeover.

Pacific Rim has been called many different things, and has been compared to a number of films. Films and shows ranging from Godzilla, Independence Day, Power Rangers, Voltron, Professional Wrestling, Transformers, the works of Ray Harryhausen, and others have all been points of comparison. Now I'm not 100% on exactly where Del Toro drew his inspiration, but it seems like the Kaiju designs are essentially digitized versions of classic "guy-in-rubber-suit" monsters featured in the Godzilla series and other classic Japanese monster flicks. There's definitely a bit of Ray Harryhausen influence in there as well. All of that is set against a story structure that, probably not coincidentally, is greatly reminiscent of Independence Day... or at least contains the fun factor of that film. Only this time, the characters are a bit more creative, better developed, and more interesting. I'm sure there are other movie buffs that could pick out other references, shout-outs, or tributes to various shows, movies, comics, and other sources, but that's most of what I was able to find. At the very least, Pacific Rim is one of those films that's a celebration of pretty much all things nerd, and for that, I freakin' love it!

This film isn't any kind of movie that's going to change your life or offer anything particularly challenging, but it's nonetheless an example of a more-or-less mindless blockbuster done right. Take this for instance... the plot isn't particularly intelligent but it doesn't make you feel stupider after watching it (like say the Transformers movies for instance), the characters aren't particularly deep but they're not one-dimensional either, and while the story itself isn't exactly profound, it's at least a generally engaging flick that's well paced and constantly entertaining. Some of the characters don't exactly steer away from the usual sci-fi archetypes, but there's generally enough going on to make them work. The ending doesn't have any huge shocks, but there are enough little twists and developments to keep you invested. To no surprise, none of the actors are especially Oscar-worthy or anything like that, but they get the job done. Overall, there isn't much of Pacific Rim that's going to change one's perception of story or film narrative, but the movie at least doesn't feel the need to half-ass it's script and at least does provide some decent storytelling. Take that as you will.

Now with all that said, if there's one thing a movie like Pacific Rim needs to deliver, it's kick ass action. If that's what you're looking for, Pacific Rim has plenty for ya! In terms of straight-forward sci-fi/action blockbusters, Pacific Rim is hands down the best of the summer. For starters, the cgi is some of the best I've seen in a while. The Kaiju creatures all have creative and interesting designs with top notch cgi to boot. The Jaeger look pretty awesome too, with well detailed robotic designs and movements, they do their job well. In terms of action... there's pretty much everything you could want and more. Big ass monster fights, huge explosions, and mass building destruction... yeah there's a bit of everything. Out of all the films I've seen this summer, Pacific Rim's action has got to be the best. Add in some top notch sound design and camerawork, and you've got yourself a winner. For all the action junkies, this one pretty much has it all.

So that's Pacific Rim for you. While by no means a perfect film, it's got pretty much everything you could want in a straightforward summer blockbuster. Great effects, great action, and an enjoyable concept... that's Pacific Rim. I know I waited a long time to post this review, but if you haven't seen it and it's still playing, check it out! If not, it'll definitely make a good Blu-Ray watch down the line.

The Lone Ranger - Review

Every once in a while, a film comes along with such inconceivably stupid, offensive, and horrendous ideas, that you ask yourself... is this a joke? The Lone Ranger is one of those films. I'm not saying that Disney's ill-advised reboot of the classic franchise was inherently a bad thing. Actually, I can think of many ways you could re-imagine The Lone Ranger for modern audiences. A movie about a former Texas Ranger who allies with a local Native, both of whom fight crime and evil while following a strict code of non-killing and using violence ONLY as an absolute last option could work. Plus, in an era of gritty and dark anti-heroes, borderline villains, and psychopaths, a movie with some uplifting qualities could have actually brightened up such a dour and depressing movie season. Now, after following the film's production plus seeing the trailers, I knew this movie wasn't going to be any good, but I'm genuinely shocked by just how terrible it turned out. How bad you ask? Let me tell you...

The starts off with John Reid (Armie Hammer), an idealistic lawyer who moves to Colby, Texas. After reuniting with his brother Dan, a Texas Ranger, John is recruited to join his brother and his band of Rangers to help take down the vicious criminal, Butch Cavendish (William Fichtner). Despite John's strict non-violence and non-killing policies, he nonetheless joins the band because of his equally strong dedication to justice. After an ambush leaves all the Texas Rangers dead, with John on the brink of death, he is saved by an eccentric Native named Tonto (Johnny Depp), who claims that Reid is a spirit walker who cannot be killed in battle. Because his enemies believe him to be dead, Reid takes on the alias of "The Lone Ranger" and starts wearing a mask to conceal his identity. Reid and Tonto then agree to join forces to take down Butch and his band of outlaws. What follows is adventure of betrayal, deception, and thrills as both Reid and Tonto make a number of startling discoveries.

Okay, let's address the most glaring issue present in this turd of a film... Johnny Depp as Tonto. I honestly don't even know where to start with this. I mean... WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING JOHNNY!!! Better yet, what the Hell was Disney thinking? Surely, there must have been some point during the production of this film that someone must have said something along the lines of, "Geez, this might be a little... or rather, REALLY offensive." Simply the fact that a white actor is playing a Native character in the year 2013 is egregious enough (I know Johnny Depp claims to be something like 1/16 Native, but I'm sorry that's not enough), but it's made all the more shocking by just how this character has been re-imagined. Tonto here is portrayed an eccentric outcast who wears a dead crow on his head and claims to have some sort of mystical connection to spirits (it's later revealed that he might just be crazy... never was explained very well). Here's the thing about Tonto, he was never a very PC character to begin with. When actor Jay Silverheels played the character in the 1950s, he drew some criticism for being something of an insensitive stereotype. Tonto's stilted speech patterns (which by the way is still present in Depp's version) plus his clear role being second fiddle to the Ranger and less of an equal partner would definitely raise a few eyebrows today. That said, the fact that they had Jay Silverheels, a legitimate First Nations actor, playing such a prominent role in an era in which minorities rarely received such opportunities, was a step in the right direction. Johnny Depp's portrayal doesn't move the character forward, but rather takes a few steps back. Over the course of Depp's career, he has made a living taking chances with risky, innovative, and daring characters, most of which have payed off. Whatever Depp was trying to do here has clearly backfired, and is likely to be a stain on his otherwise mostly solid filmography. I can only hope the backlash surrounding this unfortunate casting decision will lead Hollywood producers to stop whitewashing minority characters.

I really wish I could say that the Tonto issue was the film's only problem... unfortunately that isn't the case. Gore Verbinski is a good director, let's get that out of the way. Yeah, his Pirates sequels didn't really live up to the original, but Verbinski has enough stylish flair and eye for action to make films like the first Pirates of the Caribbean, Rango, or The Ring average out to be pretty good. His attempts to give The Lone Ranger that same dynamic look and energy as his previous hits was commendable, but sadly his efforts were in vain. The horrendous script did Verbinski (and everyone else for that matter) absolutely no favors. For starters, it pretty much spits on the legacy of The Lone Ranger, by trying to distance itself as much as it can from the previous shows. While I'm not necessarily against the way it re-imagined the property in such dark fashion (though I'm not on board with it either), it pretty much abandons the themes and ideas that defined the character in the first place. The Ranger here is less of a moral crusader for good, and rather re-imagined as a clumsy goof who gets by on dumb luck more than anything. Yeah, he still refuses to kill, but through a number of badly set up slapstick gags, he ends up doing just that anyways. The film actually centers more around Tonto than the Ranger as well. In theory that could have been an interesting idea, but because of Tonto's aforementioned character flaws, that didn't work either. The rest just doesn't work... the villains bare a striking resemblance to Barbossa's crew from the Pirates movies, the film never finds a consistent tone, and it's full of plot holes and inconsistencies that continue to add up. In short... kind of a disaster.

Acting wise... actually I don't have much to say on that front. When you're working with a script this bad, it's almost impossible to expect the actors (whether good or bad) to give a decent performance. Armie Hammer is probably the cast's most unfortunate victim as The Lone Ranger. While he's already got a few solid roles under his belt, the guy hasn't quite gotten out of his "up-and-coming" status, and missteps like this might really hurt his career. There were times I felt like he was trying, but more often than not, he looked incredibly embarrassed and uneasy in the role. Both he and Depp barely had any kind of chemistry as well, something that could have really helped elevate the film. William Fichtner was trying, I could tell, but with such a sloppy character, his strong efforts just weren't enough. It's too bad, because that guy is actually a pretty good actor, but his choice in roles really need some work. Helena Bonham Carter gives an enjoyable performance as the one-legged brothel madam who assists Reid and Tonto, but her character is so underdeveloped and pushed aside that I kept forgetting she was in the damn thing. The rest... well, there's not much else to say. None of the actors are particularly terrible (Depp excluded) but none are good enough to help this film in any way.

This is the point where I'm supposed to say something along the lines of, "At least the action was good." To that I say... yeah, it's okay. Gore Verbinski is good enough of a director to at least provide the film with a handful of passable action sequences. There was nothing that particularly stood out, but I can't say it looked that bad either. The opening scene had a half decent fight/chase that started the film with something of a bang. Unfortunately, after that, most of the movie is just Reid and Tonto bickering with one another. By the time the finale rolled around, that was the first time the film actually picked up a bit. It finally embraced some of the fun factor of it's source material, ending in an admittedly exciting action sequence. Unfortunately, by that point, the damage was done and I had totally stop caring. Those are really the only major action scenes over the course of the film's 2.5 hour runtime (by the way, the film is WAY too damn long), and even if they were incredible, I'd still be hard-pressed to give this film a passable score. If you're looking for your blockbuster action fix for the summer... find something else.

So that's The Lone Ranger... so far the biggest dud of the summer. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this piece of crap ended up becoming the worst film of 2013. I know it's been out for a while, and odds are it's not playing in your theater anymore, but if the opportunity to see it does happen to present itself... just keep on skipping it.

My Score: 1.5 out of 5!